Touché, Rilke and Murakami.

Lately, it has been a struggle with understanding the people around me without being mistaken as arrogant or preachy. Before, I was always speaking my mind, not mindful of the effects my words could have on people. I would lash out on the littlest things that would incite anger in me. I would always show that I’m annoyed or that I disagree with things. I would not back down on saying my opinions and most of the time, these are very strong opinions that I have. I seem to always be in the center of talks on how this person has been such an asshole or how certain situations are just not going the way I think things should go.

Of course, such inclinations have led to incidents where I would end up being humbled and put down back to earth.

When I was a high school junior, our section (top class of the entire batch) was up against a class from the lower bracket. It was the annual sportsfest and needless to say, we were intoxicated by our intelligence. We thought that our brains could make us invincible at everything. We thought that we could just read about the rules in a book and beat everyone at it. So when we found ourselves on unfamiliar territory, the losing end, I was stunned. We were so used to bullying everyone intellectually. We were used to winning at everything, topping every class and knowing all the answers by the book. This could not be happening, I thought. We studied about this. I read about it and stored it in my memory bank and that’s what I thought all that mattered. We were losing and we were losing badly and our egos couldn’t take it. And my ego, being the one most hurt, took over me and before I knew it, I uttered words that I would forever keep in my vault of shame: “Quiz bee na lang tayo!”

Up to know, I still remember the look on the face of one of the teachers that heard me. I don’t remember the other things that happened next or what words were said back to me (I couldn’t even remember the teacher’s name). I think that the immense shame of what I did created this gap in my memory. It was too awful for me to keep in my head. All I can see is this look on my teacher’s face telling me that she expected more compassion from me or that respect is something that she knew I have.

Whenever I feel this urge to say really hurtful things, my mind immediately goes back to that moment, a screencapped photo of my teacher flashing on my mind.

It’s hard to keep silent and yet not lose myself in the process. It has never been in my personality to take things thrown at me just standing still. What I’ve learned now is to choose my battles wisely. These past few months, I always find myself in the middle of situations that I find uncomfortable, both with friends and colleagues. It’s like being surrounded by people with their arms around each other and I am right in the middle, forced to listen to their rants, selfish banters, childish complaints, pointless talks. Going back three or four years, you would definitely find me in that circle, gladly orchestrating the madness. But now I am trying to break loose of that circle, finding ways to ease their tight grip on me.

• Friends would talk about drugs or how drugged they were the other night or how they plan yet another drug-filled weekend: I stay out of the circle.

• People would talk about other people behind that person’s back: I stay out of the circle.

But I think that the thing that is most important than just finding my own space is still finding the respect for these people. I would hate to be person my friends think as the righteous one. (Although I know that they kind of think of me in that light lately since I’ve been pulling away from ‘extracurricular activities and has stopped hanging out with them most of the time). I may not agree with them on some level but I wouldn’t want to be the one who constantly reminds them of what they should do with their lives. They are not actually kids to begin with. We’re all adults and I know that there would come a time when they would realize the damage they are inflicting on themselves. Plus, I didn’t sign up to be some person’s nanny. I think that more than the actual preaching, my saying ‘no’ or not participating in what they do has more weight than all the reminders that I could give them. I don’t want to be tagged as a hypocrite. Live by example, they say. I’d rather not preach, I’ll just show them that I really am serious with this whole change that I’ve been applying to my life.

I also try to not put myself in situations where I know I’ll be forced to do things that I’m not comfortable with or forced to keep myself silent because I don’t have anything to add to the conversation. I ignore people who I think will not add to my self-growth and I try to live without them.

Before, I was very afraid of being left-out, of being outside the circle that I was the very center of. I just had to know everything, be where they are or do what everyone else is doing. But now, I’ve been learning and trying to make myself love the idea of being an outsider and just enjoy my little space where respect is not something defined by my patience towards a person or the topic of the conversation. I may be alone now most of the time but I have never been this much comfortable in a while. Sure, I get that little twinge from time to time especially when I get to read or see photos of my friends at Facebook (It is always Facebook’s fault! That damn site!) but I always remind myself that this is a conscious decision that I made and it would really be hard at first. I also try to think of the awkwardness that would have ensued if I was with them and all the books I could have read instead of drinking with them or watching them get high. Man, I do feel old every weekend but I always tell myself, “Hey, you’ve been there and done all that. Time to do other things.” I am now learning that there is  this universe, an endless space outside of that circle and I have all the time in the world to make a map out of it.